A Short Contemplation 1

 I was recently asked a difficult but searching question;

"Does what you have to face in the future frighten you"?

Ok, I may have got this slightly wrong, look I'd had a couple of pints by this time, it was nice weather best suited to a beer garden, which is where I was, so my memory is a little hazy. The questioner may have said, "scare".

Let's not quibble over small differences.

It caught me completely unawares and the truth is, I didn't know. I gave it some quick thought and then answered; 

No I wasn't frightened, but I was apprehensive.

These symptoms were still a few years down the line and maybe science will have come up with treatments before they became a problem.

But was this true? Or was there just a little bit of alcohol-fueled bravado in my answer? 

I don't know. Asking myself this question again, I'm uncertain as to the answer. I am certainly apprehensive, but am I more than that? As I type, my right-hand struggles, reminding me of the ongoing progression of my Parkinsons. 

There are other symptoms becoming an issue, I've started to get more anxious, more easily.

Am I frightened? Well certainly not all the time, but what about during the wee small hours, when sleep is difficult and your mind focuses on all your fears and uncertainties? How about then?

I no longer know. Maybe.

I certainly don't want this future. But that choice isn't mine to make.

Damn it I'm going to fight the fear. It's not going to take over my life. Things are not hopeless.

Hand me a pint and the gift of good company. Life is still sweet.