Remembering the last time's.

When you become a parent, your life suddenly becomes full of first times; the babies first smile, the first laugh, the first time they stand up, first steps, first words. 

First day of school.

And as a parent you look forward to them. If, for no other reason then to get reassurance that the baby was developing properly.

You hoped to be there for these markers, but more often than not you weren't and you felt that you had missed something special.  

It was funny how many parents got competitive about these milestones; "Yes, at 18 months wee Johnny was reading War and Peace, he was so advanced for his age".

I had a different approach. In response to questions about my son's progress, I would respond, "poor kid, no progress, he's simple.............. but sincere".

And Happy .

And then if I was too slow, I'd  get thumped by the wife. Furious.

She was a bit of a tiger mummy.

But as it's turned out, it's the 'last time's' that I wish I could replay. The last cuddle with them sitting on your knee. The last day of school.  The last time they asked for a story at bedtime.

The last time holding hands on a walk.

You never know when these are going to happen, and usually you only know it has happened many months later when it hits you, "we don't hold hands anymore" and you wrack your memory trying to identify the time it all changed.

The "last time's" can be bitter sweet.

I am now 60. And what with the Parkinson's I have to admit I'm a bit depressed about it. 

And I worry about the last time's. The ones still to come. The last time I'll hear my son's voice. The last time I'll see my wife.

These days life seems suddenly full of last times, and all of them come with a sadness.

My father died at 69. His father at 65. The women in my family tend to be more robust, living until a decent old age.

Except for one Aunt who died at 55, after enjoying a diet of cigarettes and vodka.

Lots of cigarettes and lots and lot's of vodka.

So I worry, will I see another decade, or will I die early?

However the last times seem to be the emotionally powerful events. My last conversation with my father, him crying and apologising about the type of father he had been 

Which I assured him was better than good. This calmed him and when I left him, he seemed at peace.

The next day he slipped into a coma, and a week later he died.

My last conversation with my mum had no apologies, just an hour gossiping about the family and how she had helped save my wife's relationship with our son.

Sometimes she had too big opinion of her influence.

Not surprisingly so many last times are to do with death. It's common to us all, with no escape and whilst there is a sadness with all of them, they can be very positive and healing.

My father was a difficult man, but he tried very hard to be a good father. And I think we both felt closer for our last conversation.  It meant fewer regrets and less guilt when he died.

Last time's can be amongst the most important events in your life. They won't be as enjoyable as the first times, but are no less important.